When seeing a dying animal a man feels a sense of horror: substance similar to his own is perishing before his eyes. But when it is a beloved and intimate human being that is dying, besides this horror at the extinction of life there is a severance, a spiritual wound, which like a physical wound is sometimes fatal and sometimes heals, but always aches and shrinks at any external irritating touch.
After Prince Andrew's death Natasha and Princess Mary alike felt this. Drooping in spirit and closing their eyes before the menacing cloud of death that overhung them, they dared not look life in the face. They carefully guarded their open wounds from any rough and painful contact. Everything: a carriage passing rapidly in the street, a summons to dinner, the maid's inquiry what dress to prepare, or worse still any word of insincere or feeble sympathy, seemed an insult, painfully irritated the wound, interrupting that necessary quiet in which they both tried to listen to the stern and dreadful choir that still resounded in their imagination, and hindered their gazing into those mysterious limitless vistas that for an instant had opened out before them.
Only when alone together were they free from such outrage and pain. They spoke little even to one another, and when they did it was of very unimportant matters.
Both avoided any allusion to the future. To admit the possibility of a future seemed to them to insult his memory. Still more carefully did they avoid anything relating to him who was dead. It seemed to them that what they had lived through and experienced could not be expressed in words, and that any reference to the details of his life infringed the majesty and sacredness of the mystery that had been accomplished before their eyes.
Continued abstention from speech, and constant avoidance of everything that might lead up to the subject- this halting on all sides at the boundary of what they might not mention- brought before their minds with still greater purity and clearness what they were both feeling.
But pure and complete sorrow is as impossible as pure and complete joy. Princess Mary, in her position as absolute and independent arbiter of her own fate and guardian and instructor of her nephew, was the first to be called back to life from that realm of sorrow in which she had dwelt for the first fortnight. She received letters from her relations to which she had to reply; the room in which little Nicholas had been put was damp and he began to cough; Alpatych came to Yaroslavl with reports on the state of their affairs and with advice and suggestions that they should return to Moscow to the house on the Vozdvizhenka Street, which had remained uninjured and needed only slight repairs. Life did not stand still and it was necessary to live. Hard as it was for Princess Mary to emerge from the realm of secluded contemplation in which she had lived till then, and sorry and almost ashamed as she felt to leave Natasha alone, yet the cares of life demanded her attention and she involuntarily yielded to them. She went through the accounts with Alpatych, conferred with Dessalles about her nephew, and gave orders and made preparations for the journey to Moscow.
Natasha remained alone and, from the time Princess Mary began making preparations for departure, held aloof from her too.
Princess Mary asked the countess to let Natasha go with her to Moscow, and both parents gladly accepted this offer, for they saw their daughter losing strength every day and thought that a change of scene and the advice of Moscow doctors would be good for her.
"I am not going anywhere," Natasha replied when this was proposed to her. "Do please just leave me alone!" And she ran out of the room, with difficulty refraining from tears of vexation and irritation rather than of sorrow.
After she felt herself deserted by Princes Mary and alone in her grief, Natasha spent most of the time in her room by herself, sitting huddled up feet and all in the corner of the sofa, tearing and twisting something with her slender nervous fingers and gazing intently and fixedly at whatever her eyes chanced to fall on. This solitude exhausted and tormented her but she was in absolute need of it. As soon as anyone entered she got up quickly, changed her position and expression, and picked up a book or some sewing, evidently waiting impatiently for the intruder to go.
She felt all the time as if she might at any moment penetrate that on which- with a terrible questioning too great for her strength- her spiritual gaze was fixed.
One day toward the end of December Natasha, pale and thin, dressed in a black woolen gown, her plaited hair negligently twisted into a knot, was crouched feet and all in the corner of her sofa, nervously crumpling and smoothing out the end of her sash while she looked at a corner of the door.
She was gazing in the direction in which he had gone- to the other side of life. And that other side of life, of which she had never before thought and which had formerly seemed to her so far away and improbable, was now nearer and more akin and more comprehensible than this side of life, where everything was either emptiness and desolation or suffering and indignity.
She was gazing where she knew him to be; but she could not imagine him otherwise than as he had been here. She now saw him again as he had been at Mytishchi, at Troitsa, and at Yaroslavl.
She saw his face, heard his voice, repeated his words and her own, and sometimes devised other words they might have spoken.
There he is lying back in an armchair in his velvet cloak, leaning his head on his thin pale hand. His chest is dreadfully hollow and his shoulders raised. His lips are firmly closed, his eyes glitter, and a wrinkle comes and goes on his pale forehead. One of his legs twitches just perceptibly, but rapidly. Natasha knows that he is struggling with terrible pain. "What is that pain like? Why does he have that pain? What does he feel? How does it hurt him?" thought Natasha. He noticed her watching him, raised his eyes, and began to speak seriously:
"One thing would be terrible," said he: "to bind oneself forever to a suffering man. It would be continual torture." And he looked searchingly at her. Natasha as usual answered before she had time to think what she would say. She said: "This can't go on- it won't. You will get well- quite well."
She now saw him from the commencement of that scene and relived what she had then felt. She recalled his long sad and severe look at those words and understood the meaning of the rebuke and despair in that protracted gaze.
"I agreed," Natasha now said to herself, "that it would be dreadful if he always continued to suffer. I said it then only because it would have been dreadful for him, but he understood it differently. He thought it would be dreadful for me. He then still wished to live and feared death. And I said it so awkwardly and stupidly! I did not say what I meant. I thought quite differently. Had I said what I thought, I should have said: even if he had to go on dying, to die continually before my eyes, I should have been happy compared with what I am now. Now there is nothing... nobody. Did he know that? No, he did not and never will know it. And now it will never, never be possible to put it right." And now he again seemed to be saying the same words to her, only in her imagination Natasha this time gave him a different answer. She stopped him and said: "Terrible for you, but not for me! You know that for me there is nothing in life but you, and to suffer with you is the greatest happiness for me," and he took her hand and pressed it as he had pressed it that terrible evening four days before his death. And in her imagination she said other tender and loving words which she might have said then but only spoke now: "I love thee!... thee! I love, love..." she said, convulsively pressing her hands and setting her teeth with a desperate effort...
She was overcome by sweet sorrow and tears were already rising in her eyes; then she suddenly asked herself to whom she was saying this. Again everything was shrouded in hard, dry perplexity, and again with a strained frown she peered toward the world where he was. And now, now it seemed to her she was penetrating the mystery.... But at the instant when it seemed that the incomprehensible was revealing itself to her a loud rattle of the door handle struck painfully on her ears. Dunyasha, her maid, entered the room quickly and abruptly with a frightened look on her face and showing no concern for her mistress.
"Come to your Papa at once, please!" said she with a strange, excited look. "A misfortune... about Peter Ilynich... a letter," she finished with a sob.
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Book One: 1805 - Chapter XVIII
Book One: 1805 - Chapter XXIII
Book One: 1805 - Chapter XXVII
Book One: 1805 - Chapter XXVIII
Book Two: 1805 - Chapter XVIII
Book Three: 1805 - Chapter III
Book Three: 1805 - Chapter VII
Book Three: 1805 - Chapter VIII
Book Three: 1805 - Chapter XII
Book Three: 1805 - Chapter XIII
Book Three: 1805 - Chapter XIV
Book Three: 1805 - Chapter XVI
Book Three: 1805 - Chapter XVII
Book Three: 1805 - Chapter XVIII
Book Three: 1805 - Chapter XIX
Book Four: 1806 - Chapter VIII
Book Four: 1806 - Chapter XIII
Book Five: 1806-07 - Chapter I
Book Five: 1806-07 - Chapter II
Book Five: 1806-07 - Chapter III
Book Five: 1806-07 - Chapter IV
Book Five: 1806-07 - Chapter V
Book Five: 1806-07 - Chapter VI
Book Five: 1806-07 - Chapter VII
Book Five: 1806-07 - Chapter VIII
Book Five: 1806-07 - Chapter IX
Book Five: 1806-07 - Chapter X
Book Five: 1806-07 - Chapter XI
Book Five: 1806-07 - Chapter XII
Book Five: 1806-07 - Chapter XIII
Book Five: 1806-07 - Chapter XIV
Book Five: 1806-07 - Chapter XV
Book Five: 1806-07 - Chapter XVI
Book Five: 1806-07 - Chapter XVII
Book Five: 1806-07 - Chapter XVIII
Book Five: 1806-07 - Chapter XIX
Book Five: 1806-07 - Chapter XX
Book Five: 1806-07 - Chapter XXI
Book Five: 1806-07 - Chapter XXII
Book Six: 1808-10 - Chapter II
Book Six: 1808-10 - Chapter III
Book Six: 1808-10 - Chapter IV
Book Six: 1808-10 - Chapter VI
Book Six: 1808-10 - Chapter VII
Book Six: 1808-10 - Chapter VIII
Book Six: 1808-10 - Chapter IX
Book Six: 1808-10 - Chapter XI
Book Six: 1808-10 - Chapter XII
Book Six: 1808-10 - Chapter XIII
Book Six: 1808-10 - Chapter XIV
Book Six: 1808-10 - Chapter XV
Book Six: 1808-10 - Chapter XVI
Book Six: 1808-10 - Chapter XVII
Book Six: 1808-10 - Chapter XVIII
Book Six: 1808-10 - Chapter XIX
Book Six: 1808-10 - Chapter XX
Book Six: 1808-10 - Chapter XXI
Book Six: 1808-10 - Chapter XXII
Book Six: 1808-10 - Chapter XXIII
Book Six: 1808-10 - Chapter XXIV
Book Six: 1808-10 - Chapter XXV
Book Six: 1808-10 - Chapter XXVI
Book Seven: 1810-11 - Chapter I
Book Seven: 1810-11 - Chapter II
Book Seven: 1810-11 - Chapter III
Book Seven: 1810-11 - Chapter IV
Book Seven: 1810-11 - Chapter V
Book Seven: 1810-11 - Chapter VI
Book Seven: 1810-11 - Chapter VII
Book Seven: 1810-11 - Chapter VIII
Book Seven: 1810-11 - Chapter IX
Book Seven: 1810-11 - Chapter X
Book Seven: 1810-11 - Chapter XI
Book Seven: 1810-11 - Chapter XII
Book Seven: 1810-11 - Chapter XIII
Book Eight: 1811-12 - Chapter I
Book Eight: 1811-12 - Chapter II
Book Eight: 1811-12 - Chapter III
Book Eight: 1811-12 - Chapter IV
Book Eight: 1811-12 - Chapter V
Book Eight: 1811-12 - Chapter VI
Book Eight: 1811-12 - Chapter VII
Book Eight: 1811-12 - Chapter VIII
Book Eight: 1811-12 - Chapter IX
Book Eight: 1811-12 - Chapter X
Book Eight: 1811-12 - Chapter XI
Book Eight: 1811-12 - Chapter XII
Book Eight: 1811-12 - Chapter XIII
Book Eight: 1811-12 - Chapter XIV
Book Eight: 1811-12 - Chapter XV
Book Eight: 1811-12 - Chapter XVI
Book Eight: 1811-12 - Chapter XVII
Book Eight: 1811-12 - Chapter XVIII
Book Eight: 1811-12 - Chapter XIX
Book Eight: 1811-12 - Chapter XX
Book Eight: 1811-12 - Chapter XXI
Book Eight: 1811-12 - Chapter XXII
Book Nine: 1812 - Chapter VIII
Book Nine: 1812 - Chapter XIII
Book Nine: 1812 - Chapter XVII
Book Nine: 1812 - Chapter XVIII
Book Nine: 1812 - Chapter XXII
Book Nine: 1812 - Chapter XXIII
Book Ten: 1812 - Chapter XVIII
Book Ten: 1812 - Chapter XXIII
Book Ten: 1812 - Chapter XXVII
Book Ten: 1812 - Chapter XXVIII
Book Ten: 1812 - Chapter XXXII
Book Ten: 1812 - Chapter XXXIII
Book Ten: 1812 - Chapter XXXIV
Book Ten: 1812 - Chapter XXXVI
Book Ten: 1812 - Chapter XXXVII
Book Ten: 1812 - Chapter XXXVIII
Book Ten: 1812 - Chapter XXXIX
Book Eleven: 1812 - Chapter II
Book Eleven: 1812 - Chapter III
Book Eleven: 1812 - Chapter IV
Book Eleven: 1812 - Chapter VI
Book Eleven: 1812 - Chapter VII
Book Eleven: 1812 - Chapter VIII
Book Eleven: 1812 - Chapter IX
Book Eleven: 1812 - Chapter XI
Book Eleven: 1812 - Chapter XII
Book Eleven: 1812 - Chapter XIII
Book Eleven: 1812 - Chapter XIV
Book Eleven: 1812 - Chapter XV
Book Eleven: 1812 - Chapter XVI
Book Eleven: 1812 - Chapter XVII
Book Eleven: 1812 - Chapter XVIII
Book Eleven: 1812 - Chapter XIX
Book Eleven: 1812 - Chapter XX
Book Eleven: 1812 - Chapter XXI
Book Eleven: 1812 - Chapter XXII
Book Eleven: 1812 - Chapter XXIII
Book Eleven: 1812 - Chapter XXIV
Book Eleven: 1812 - Chapter XXV
Book Eleven: 1812 - Chapter XXVI
Book Eleven: 1812 - Chapter XXVII
Book Eleven: 1812 - Chapter XXVIII
Book Eleven: 1812 - Chapter XXIX
Book Eleven: 1812 - Chapter XXX
Book Eleven: 1812 - Chapter XXXI
Book Eleven: 1812 - Chapter XXXII
Book Eleven: 1812 - Chapter XXXIII
Book Eleven: 1812 - Chapter XXXIV
Book Twelve: 1812 - Chapter II
Book Twelve: 1812 - Chapter III
Book Twelve: 1812 - Chapter IV
Book Twelve: 1812 - Chapter VI
Book Twelve: 1812 - Chapter VII
Book Twelve: 1812 - Chapter VIII
Book Twelve: 1812 - Chapter IX
Book Twelve: 1812 - Chapter XI
Book Twelve: 1812 - Chapter XII
Book Twelve: 1812 - Chapter XIII
Book Twelve: 1812 - Chapter XIV
Book Twelve: 1812 - Chapter XV
Book Twelve: 1812 - Chapter XVI
Book Thirteen: 1812 - Chapter I
Book Thirteen: 1812 - Chapter II
Book Thirteen: 1812 - Chapter III
Book Thirteen: 1812 - Chapter IV
Book Thirteen: 1812 - Chapter V
Book Thirteen: 1812 - Chapter VI
Book Thirteen: 1812 - Chapter VII
Book Thirteen: 1812 - Chapter VIII
Book Thirteen: 1812 - Chapter IX
Book Thirteen: 1812 - Chapter X
Book Thirteen: 1812 - Chapter XI
Book Thirteen: 1812 - Chapter XII
Book Thirteen: 1812 - Chapter XIII
Book Thirteen: 1812 - Chapter XIV
Book Thirteen: 1812 - Chapter XV
Book Thirteen: 1812 - Chapter XVI
Book Thirteen: 1812 - Chapter XVII
Book Thirteen: 1812 - Chapter XVIII
Book Thirteen: 1812 - Chapter XIX
Book Fourteen: 1812 - Chapter I
Book Fourteen: 1812 - Chapter II
Book Fourteen: 1812 - Chapter III
Book Fourteen: 1812 - Chapter IV
Book Fourteen: 1812 - Chapter V
Book Fourteen: 1812 - Chapter VI
Book Fourteen: 1812 - Chapter VII
Book Fourteen: 1812 - Chapter VIII
Book Fourteen: 1812 - Chapter IX
Book Fourteen: 1812 - Chapter X
Book Fourteen: 1812 - Chapter XI
Book Fourteen: 1812 - Chapter XII
Book Fourteen: 1812 - Chapter XIII
Book Fourteen: 1812 - Chapter XIV
Book Fourteen: 1812 - Chapter XV
Book Fourteen: 1812 - Chapter XVI
Book Fourteen: 1812 - Chapter XVII
Book Fourteen: 1812 - Chapter XVIII
Book Fourteen: 1812 - Chapter XIX
Book Fifteen: 1812-13 - Chapter I
Book Fifteen: 1812-13 - Chapter II
Book Fifteen: 1812-13 - Chapter III
Book Fifteen: 1812-13 - Chapter IV
Book Fifteen: 1812-13 - Chapter V
Book Fifteen: 1812-13 - Chapter VI
Book Fifteen: 1812-13 - Chapter VII
Book Fifteen: 1812-13 - Chapter VIII
Book Fifteen: 1812-13 - Chapter IX
Book Fifteen: 1812-13 - Chapter X
Book Fifteen: 1812-13 - Chapter XI
Book Fifteen: 1812-13 - Chapter XII
Book Fifteen: 1812-13 - Chapter XIII
Book Fifteen: 1812-13 - Chapter XIV
Book Fifteen: 1812-13 - Chapter XV
Book Fifteen: 1812-13 - Chapter XVI
Book Fifteen: 1812-13 - Chapter XVII
Book Fifteen: 1812-13 - Chapter XVIII
Book Fifteen: 1812-13 - Chapter XIX
Book Fifteen: 1812-13 - Chapter XX
First Epilogue: 1813-20 - Chapter I
First Epilogue: 1813-20 - Chapter II
First Epilogue: 1813-20 - Chapter III
First Epilogue: 1813-20 - Chapter IV
First Epilogue: 1813-20 - Chapter V
First Epilogue: 1813-20 - Chapter VI
First Epilogue: 1813-20 - Chapter VII
First Epilogue: 1813-20 - Chapter VIII
First Epilogue: 1813-20 - Chapter IX
First Epilogue: 1813-20 - Chapter X
First Epilogue: 1813-20 - Chapter XI
First Epilogue: 1813-20 - Chapter XII
First Epilogue: 1813-20 - Chapter XIII
First Epilogue: 1813-20 - Chapter XIV
First Epilogue: 1813-20 - Chapter XV
First Epilogue: 1813-20 - Chapter XVI
Second Epilogue: 1813-20 - Chapter I
Second Epilogue: 1813-20 - Chapter II
Second Epilogue: 1813-20 - Chapter III
Second Epilogue: 1813-20 - Chapter IV
Second Epilogue: 1813-20 - Chapter V
Second Epilogue: 1813-20 - Chapter VI
Second Epilogue: 1813-20 - Chapter VII
Second Epilogue: 1813-20 - Chapter VIII
Second Epilogue: 1813-20 - Chapter IX
Second Epilogue: 1813-20 - Chapter X